


Phyrexian Phamily

by FoxSaintJust



Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-10-06 01:47:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17336366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxSaintJust/pseuds/FoxSaintJust
Summary: The Praetors discuss everyday matters in their family chat. Atraxa and other characters may pop up later.





	1. Thus the Grand Evolution began

_TheWhiteQueen has created the chat All Will Be One._

_TheWhiteQueen has added GeniusGita(x), MYSALADISYOURDINNER and Shelley_ _💀_ _to the chat._

TheWhiteQueen: Hi guys.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: HOWDY SIS

GeniusGita(x): Good morning.

Shelley💀: hello everyone

TheWhiteQueen: Let’s address immediately the elephant in the room.

TheWhiteQueen: Urabrask.

TheWhiteQueen: Shall we add him?

Shelley💀: I think we should

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: COOL WITH THAT

GeniusGita(x): As long as he doesn’t start with his pro-Mirran crusades…

TheWhiteQueen: Yes, that was my concern too.

TheWhiteQueen: Wait, I have an idea.

TheWhiteQueen: Once we’ve added him, I can tell him _Urabrask…_ no fucking soapboxing!

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: I LIKE THAT! GIMME FIVE SIS

GeniusGita(x): For Dad’s sake, Elesh. You can’t tell him that way. How about we outright give him permission to side with the Mirrans, then?

TheWhiteQueen: Jin, sometimes you have to be blunt.

TheWhiteQueen: Anyway, I see your point here. But we have to tell him somehow.

Shelley💀: well I agree with you on the content but you should use, as strange as it will sound, a _metaphor_

GeniusGita(x): We are neurologically incapable of understanding metaphors.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: ACTUALLY I'VE LEARNT SOME PHRASES FROM MIRRANS

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: GENERALLY INSULTS ABOUT MOMS

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: BUT ALSO METAPHORS

TheWhiteQueen: But how can you even grasp the concept of a metaphor?

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: GUYS DON’T YOU EVER WONDER HOW IT WOULD BE IF WE HAD A MOM?

TheWhiteQueen: The glistening oil is enough.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: I MEAN I WOULD HAVE DEVOURED HER SOON AFTER MY BIRTH BUT STILL

Shelley💀: a metaphor is a brazen lie at the service of truth

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: GONNA COPY THIS POST CAUSE ITS FUCKING LIT

GeniusGita(x): Guys, the language. Anyway, I still don’t see how we could make use of a metaphor.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: OH I WANT TO TRY

GeniusGita(x): Oh dear.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: OK FOR EXAMPLE JIN

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: SUPPOSE I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN LIFT

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: EXCEPT THAT I’M NOT SAYING THAT, INSTEAD I SAY

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: DO YOU KNOW THAT ARMS GROW NOT ONLY IN LENGTH?

TheWhiteQueen: …

Shelley💀: crickets.mp3

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: THE EXAMPLE WASN’T THE BEST ONE

GeniusGita(x): The example was overly preposterous and convoluted. I would look for another way but feel free to do as you prefer, as long as I don’t get involved into the discussion.

TheWhiteQueen: Ok guys, I’m going to add him.

_TheWhiteQueen has added foundrysnowflake to the chat._

TheWhiteQueen: Hi, little brother. Welcome into our family chat. :)

foundrysnowflake: hi guys :)

GeniusGita(x): Welcome, Urabrask.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: HI BRO

Shelley💀: feel at home ury

Shelley💀: anyway, Jin wanted to tell you the rules of the chat :3

GeniusGita(x): You are so _not_ getting a free pass for my future conferences.

foundrysnowflake: oh ok let’s hear those rules

GeniusGita(x): Well, Urabrask, we hope that discussions will be kept civil here.

foundrysnowflake: sure

GeniusGita(x): Of course we can share photos, clips and links as long as they are safe for work.

foundrysnowflake: yeah 100% clear

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: YEAH GO ON

GeniusGita(x): And we also wanted to tell you that arms grow not only in length.

TheWhiteQueen: What?

GeniusGita(x): I’m mixed up, sorry.

GeniusGita(x): Well, it’s difficult to explain the last thing.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: HE WAS TRYING TO SAY NO FUCKING SOAPBOXING HERE URABRASK

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: YOU HAVE PISSED US OFF!!! FUCK YOU, WE CANNOT STAND YOU ANYMORE!!!

Shelley💀: oh no

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: WHY DON’T YOU GO AWAY? **URABRASK WHY DON’T YOU GO AWAY?**

_Foundrysnowflake has left the chat._

TheWhiteQueen: Shit

GeniusGita(x): So much for a metaphor.

TheWhiteQueen: Vorinclex, you are really the worst ever.

TheWhiteQueen: Don’t write anything more, you dolt. I’ll add him again.

_TheWhiteQueen has added foundrysnowflake to the chat._

foundrysnowflake: why did you do this? L

foundrysnowflake: feeling so triggered right now

TheWhiteQueen: Urabrask, you know that Vorinclex didn’t mean it. He was trying to express affection and it came out wrong.

foundrysnowflake: really wrong

Shelley💀: but he didn’t want for it to go that way

Shelley💀: I suggest we all calm down now

Shelley💀: and think about something else to uplift everyone’s spirit

foundrysnowflake: sounds good J

Shelley💀: like, how is Atraxa’s compleation going?

foundrysnowflake: 😱

foundrysnowflake: so much out of here

_Foundrysnowflake has left the chat._

GeniusGita(x): I’m this close to feel pity for him, sister.

TheWhiteQueen: Two dolts in this family, not one. Two.

TheWhiteQueen: Now, I want the two of you to tell him that you’re sorry. Right. Now.

_TheWhiteQueen has added foundrysnowflake to the chat._

GeniusGita(x): tumbleweed.mp4

TheWhiteQueen: Jin, I swear to Dad.

foundrysnowflake: I want some apologies from you two

Shelley💀: Ury, we are trying to do so

foundrysnowflake: if I didn’t know you since we were born

foundrysnowflake: I know I’m the black sheep in the family

foundrysnowflake: but I think I deserve respect as the rest of you

foundrysnowflake: the way you have hurt me is

foundrysnowflake: I don’t even know how to describe it

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: **GIMME TIME TO WRITE SOMETHING DAMN**

TheWhiteQueen: …

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: YOU WERE SAYIN?

foundrysnowflake: it was your turn to write

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: AH OK

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: NOW BRO IM NOT REALLY SORRY FOR WHAT I WROTE

GeniusGita(x): Why, oh why didn’t I microwave some popcorn?

GeniusGita(x): Oh, right. Elesh took all the enamel.

foundrysnowflake: why you gotta be so mean with me all the time

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: NO WAIT

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: I MEAN

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Shelley💀: if I could find a way

Shelley💀: I’d take back those words that have hurt you

Shelley💀: and you’d stay

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: I WAS GOING TO WRITE THAT I WOULD DO IT AGAIN BUT OK THIS SOUNDS BETTER

foundrysnowflake: *sniff* if I could reach the stars

Shelley💀: I’d give them all to you

foundrysnowflake: and you’d love me love me

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: LIKE YOU USED TO DOOOOOO

foundrysnowflake: <3 <3 <3 love u guys

GeniusGita(x): Now I understand what Mirrans experience when they vomit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italian readers will surely notice that I've taken inspiration from a classical Aldo, Giovanni & Giacomo's sketch.


	2. It is not a goal, but a process

_MYSALADISYOURDINNER changed name to BulimiaIsSo87_

BulimiaIsSo87: HA HA HA REALLY FUNNY

BulimiaIsSo87: OK WHO’S THE BASTARD WHO TAMPERED WITH MY PHONE?

GeniusGita(x): I can’t believe it.

GeniusGita(x): You know what “tampered” means.

BulimiaIsSo87: YES I KNOW IT SMARTASS

Shelley💀: Hey guys

Shelley💀: Vor, your new username sounds bitchy

Shelley💀: I like it

foundrysnowflake: you really shouldn’t make fun of eating disorders bro

BulimiaIsSo87: FIRST OF ALL WE ARE LITERALLY TWISTING METAL AND FLESH TOGETHER IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, SO A JOKE IS NOT THE PRIORITY

BulimiaIsSo87: SECOND I DIDN’T CHANGE IT. JIN DID

GeniusGita(x): Sticks and stones, as usual. And without the smallest evidence.

TheWhiteQueen: What’s going on?

TheWhiteQueen: Jin, so that’s why you were watching Heathers yesterday.

GeniusGita(x): Thanks a lot, sister.

BulimiaIsSo87: HA! I KNEW IT

BulimiaIsSo87: NOW CHANGE IT BACK, SILVER NOODLE

GeniusGita(x): You can do it by yourself, and right now I cannot send a droid to mess with your slimy touchscreen.

_BulimiaIsSo87 changed name to MYSALADISYOURDINNER_

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: OK I MANAGED TO DO IT

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: MUCH BETTER NOW

foundrysnowflake: btw jin why were you watching that film?

GeniusGita(x): I’m currently studying new ways to spread our glorious word through a medium known as “pop culture”.

TheWhiteQueen: Interesting.

GeniusGita(x): So I’m harvesting data by watching a large amount of films and series.

GeniusGita(x): _Heathers_ has been one of the most fascinating so far, but I think that the clunky heap of mayhem known as _Riverdale_ could work as a gateway.

Shelley💀: Ow, I was hoping for a rewatch of Mean Girls instead

TheWhiteQueen: How could it help us?

GeniusGita(x): Judging by what I’ve seen so far, the five protagonists unwittingly embody the basics of the five colours of mana, a trait that could be exploited to send subliminal messages to the hormone-riddled audience of the show.

TheWhiteQueen: Fascinating. Would you mind to explain this comparison?

GeniusGita(x): Gladly.

GeniusGita(x): Let’s start with Jughead. He embodies the traits commonly associated with Blue: wit, inquisitiveness and a shady, undeserved reputation he’s trying to outgrow.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: THE LAST PART IS A BIG HEAP OF BULLSHIT BUT GO ON

GeniusGita(x): Then there’s Veronica, who fits nicely as Black. She’s ambitious and resourceful, although with dark connections that could compromise her situation.

Shelley💀: sounds neat

Shelley💀: “you wanted fire? Sorry, Geth bombshell, my specialty is shadow”

GeniusGita(x): Betty instead represents White: selfless and caring about social boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a dark side as well.

foundrysnowflake: and the fact that jughead is bonking her is just a case?

GeniusGita(x): Absolutely. Then comes Archie, the athletic, popular jock willing to break his hand along with a thick layer of ice. Green, of course.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: THEN THAT LAYER MUST HAVE BEEN…

TheWhiteQueen: Oh no, not again.

MYSALADISYOURDINNER: **EXTRA THICC!**

Shelley💀: Vor, this mean that we’re endgame!

Shelley💀: no wait

Shelley💀: VoR wE’rE eNdGaMe. Much better

foundrysnowflake: and who represents red?

GeniusGita(x): Cheryl is the epitome of Red: a borderline, privileged psycho who is the reason why Dad isn’t coming home anymore.

foundrysnowflake: oh

Shelley💀: poor daddy :(


End file.
